We live in a very large corner that is somewhere in another, even larger corner. We aren’t the center of it all, nor are we really all that special when compared to everything else out there.
There is a certain elegance in blaming someone else for a lover’s misdeeds. When you can get away with things not being a their fault, you can justify the decision to keep them around far easier, and without any of that messy fixing things part. After all, if it weren’t for that evil hussy temptress- s/he never would have strayed. If they didn’t tempt him/her then everything would be just peachy.
On logical levels, fault is obviously not a one way street it takes two parties to act. However, the sheer ability to blame someone else relieves the one we actually care about and have an emotional investment in from shouldering the responsibility of their actions. Really, if it was their fault we may actually have to act on it and do something about it and them.
That something is usually far less pleasant than just blaming the heck out of the other person, who will probably wind up a straw man, and naturally the source of all that is evil in this world.
It’s just not healthy.
I know that I’m more than guilty of doing the above, it’s just so incredibly hard not to.
When my ex was out with whomever and doing whatever it ‘wasn’t his fault’ for a long while. There wasn’t much that could have changed my mind either. If I had blamed him, things would have needed to be handled, and that pure unbridled fury would have to actually be put to use. I was more than happy being angry and hurt, ‘by the other girls’, if it weren’t for them of course he wouldn’t stray. It was his friends! They were the one’s who brought my ex to these places, not my ex of course. Nope, his family. They encouraged this! Nurture, he grew up with this! My fault, because I just had a baby and was therefore a bad wife (don’t ask, I’m not sure what I was thinking anymore).
Obviously, those are all tad flawed*.
It was far easier to blame everyone else, including myself for everything, than to face the alternative that my marriage was ending. I was fine pretending everything wasn’t his fault, until I just couldn’t avoid it anymore.
It’s doubtful anyone will really have that one moment where it hits them that the blaming ‘everything-but-the-one’ isn’t really working out. Some people never really break out of that phase, it’s unfortunate but it happens a lot. Especially when you consider the emotional motivation in blaming the other person, it’s just a better option for mental health’s sake to not face the one you love hurt you.
It’s painful, it sucks, but it is life. Moving on can’t really happen until blame is properly appropriated. Sure, it’s not really healthy to ‘blame’ but it is a step, healthy or not.
If things can be worked out, great (and you are a much better person than I). It takes a lot to fix something like that, and at times even with all the effort thing may not work out anyway.
If things really are too broken, call it quits.
*A tad, you know like letting children drink espresso is a bad idea, by a tad.
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