The Anatomy of A Breakdown

The Anatomy of A Breakdown

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It’s really not like I don’t know how my brain works, it’s just that I seem to willingly ignore it at times. Even though I’ve done the same thing  a million and one times, with the exact same result- I still expect ‘this time’ to end differently.

You would think that after a million ‘this times’ that have all ended this way that I’d realize that no- it’s really not going to be any different.

They always start the same way: I get a lot going at one time, really and truly convinced I’m going to rock it all and make it all so sparkly awesome*that it will revolutionize blogging, art, and whatever else** it is I happen to be working on at the moment..

It’s not really a breakdown, or procrastination for that matter. As those really aren’t the right terms, but it’s when I get way too much on my plate at one time, and proceed to convince myself I can do it all on time, and make it all kinds of perfect.

It’s basically this:

A

The first stage is awesome. I do get things done- all the things done (yes in this ‘things’ is a relative term for whatever is on my plate. Things get done, and they get done well. I’m writing as I should be, and art-ing*** up a storm , and\coding like a madwoman. I’m like an over-caffeinated chipmunk I move so quickly.

HappyRainbow

This is what I like to call the happy rainbow stage.

I’m expanding on what I already know- I’m getting there and getting better in the process. While sure, that is a bonus- it’s leading to problems. It’s about here that I decide I need to stay up a bit later ‘so I don’t lose steam’ on whatever the project I’m working on happens to be.

c

The rainbow begins to fade. I realize that it’s 2 or 3 in the morning. I need sleep. So, seeing as I can’t seem to just lay down and sleep, I decide that reading will help. Inevitably, I’m lead to a code or art related magazine (and proceed to have 100 tabs open, which as an aside- surprisingly doesn’t crash my laptop****).

d

The downfall.

I convince myself that whatever it is I’m distracted by is warranted. Maybe I’m learning something, or just enjoying myself. Things really slide.

e

It’s inevitable for me to get here. I will lose whatever steam I had.

pityparty

I will then throw myself a bit of a pity-party. Woe is me teenage girl kind of thing, considering I’m all of 27 that’s really a crappy way to handle that.  Thankfully, this stage is a bit shorter.

Eventually I’m okay, which then leads to the cycle starting over again. And again. And again…

*No clue, just.. no clue..

**Not really, just make it good.

***I know it’s not a term. However, art as a verb works worse.

**** It does however make it slow. Very slow.